There are millions of us out there.

Single mothers by choice. Single mothers by circumstance. In most societies, we are looked down upon.  Many of us are poor. We drive fancy cars, but if you are black and you are a single mum, chances are that you are living from paycheck to paycheck. I often wonder if it is different for our caucasian friends?

Most religious institutions would judge our choices, some cultures would sentence us to a lifetime of singlehood because by the virtue of the fact that we already have children, we are not deemed respectable enough to marry.

I have lost faith in the relevance of religion to help change the social construct of single mothers. Most pastors are married so they lack the basic empathy to teach or impact the single mothers in their congregation.

Those who understand the plight of single mothers are stuck in an archaic narrative that dictates that the single mother must immediately get married to find ‘redemption’ in the legalistic sanctuary.  Most churches find it hard to appeal wholistically to their congregants. Single mothers and their issues are lost in the chain of gospel outreach. They are just not that important.

The Religious Problem

For those single mothers whose sanctuary is the church, socially, this may be beneficial. But it is not wholesome to think of the church as a refuge. Or could it be? My singular experience speaks to the opposite. I may be wrong here. But generally, most churches lack the ability to organise for their single mothers.

That single mothers are not worthy to be discussed either on the pulpit where it matters or in welfare groups is a painful reality for the marginalised and racialised single mother.

When single mothers are mentioned, it is often in the context of rebuke. A rebuke for pre-marital sex. A rebuke for leaving your husband if you are married. They encourage counselling for separated couples – in very many of these cases- counselling is useless because they are parochial.

This still happens in 2020

Two-parent homes are glorified. There is nothing wrong with this but anecdotally, children from single-parent households tend to be stronger emotionally, more resilient and generally do better than children raised in two-parent households. Not all two-parent households present the peace and stability that we think they have. They are often an abyss of confusion, strife and bitterness.

Looking for that elusive partner is hard work. Yet, the thought of spending a lifetime with a spouse makes  Friday nights bearable. Sometimes.

In African cultures, more men than imagined look for virgins to marry. When they are not looking to marry virgins, society has perverted the mindset of the average man. Such that, even with little or no earthly possessions, the African man marries with the intention to dominate. I hear this happens to Asian women too. It is tragic.

Is religion to blame?

The fault of religion is that it insists blindly that all should be married. In some African homes, girls are often better educated than men. You may find in the pool of men, a lacklustre appetite for education or self-development.  For example, you find a forty-five-year-old African man whose last educational qualification was twenty-five years ago. So in terms of the quality of his mindset, and the intelligence of his current status, he stands no chance to settle successfully with a modern metrosexual woman. Yet, your mother in Africa has called five prayer pastors who have predetermined that this semi-illiterate is the man from God for you!

I am a single mother

Being a single mother can be lonely. It can be exhausting. Lately, what I find difficult is when I have to support my daughter with a test or help her stay committed to an instrument. Usually, because I always have a lot going on, I am emotionally tired to be there fully for her when she needs me.

I don’t like this.

The alternative for us is poverty. I cannot give up anything on my plate so we both suck it up. Many times, I feel having a partner to help with things like that would help.

I have friends who have partners but I sense they are more stressed than I am. I feel that the burden they carry is double. The burden of their husbands and their children.

Yet, being a single mother is the most rewarding enterprise or commitment I have made so far in my life. Would I choose this path again? No. Would I choose to have my daughter again? Yes.

So, this is to all single mothers out there. Single mothers by choice or by happenstance.

We gat you! It is okay to be you! You are doing a great job and we love you for it!

 

Tee creates content for LCCMedia

Email: Lccmedialimited@gmail.com