An apology can be a wonderful thing, as long as it is infrequent and from the heart. A few years ago, I was a corporate trainer in a class with Syncrude employees training for management. The audience was predominantly male. I was well prepared, had a ton of experience on the topic, and I felt confident as I worked through the modules.
Around lunch time, a senior female staffer greeted me, offered a few pleasantries, and dropped a bombshell on me. She said, “Do you know how many times you apologized, from the moment you stepped up to the microphone until the moment you left the podium?” “None?” I replied.
“Nine, Nine times,” she said. “And all of them were unnecessary. You even said sorry when the sound wasn’t clear, and that wasn’t your fault at all.”
I was speechless. It was the first time anyone had ever made me aware of my “sorry habit.” So, what was the first word out of my mouth in reply? “Sorry!” We both burst out laughing.
Now that I was aware of this habit, I realized how often I apologized. It felt to me as if I started every other sentence with “sorry,” for no good reason. I didn’t see myself as someone with a meek, apologetic type of personality, so why was I doing it?
I realized that there was an element of it that was socialized into me. In our culture, children had to be seen and not heard. While it didn’t stay that way for boys, it did for girls. As a woman, I felt that I had to apologize for having strong opinions, and for not following societal norms and expectations, such as whether to tie the knot or have kids.
There was a second element to it: guilt. Did I feel guilty for being more successful than my peers? I didn’t apologize for it explicitly, but I conveyed it through my attitude, and by saying sorry for lots of other things. I used unnecessary apologies as a type of cultural symbol, signaling two things: that I didn’t think too much of myself, and that I recognized the superiority of men. I tried to shrink myself to fit the norm. Yet, I realized I was not the norm. I needed to stand up for who I am.
Of course, apologies shouldn’t be used that way. However, this incident raised my awareness of how we routinely use apologies, or apology words such as “sorry.”
First and foremost, there are real apologies. Wholeheartedly saying that you’re sorry when you’ve made a mistake or wronged another person is important. It’s a deposit into a relationship account, and there’s no substitute for an apology. Depending on the situation, an apology on its own isn’t always enough. If your offending behavior doesn’t change, your apology is worthless.
People who are always 10 minutes late use “exemption” apologies when their habitual lack of self-management leads to behavior such as lateness and missed deadlines. This is just callousness.
They bail themselves using sorry as a “get out of jail” card when they’re in the wrong. They’ll start a conversation with an apology in an attempt to exempt themselves from negative consequences. It’s also a way of trying to prevent another person (usually an authority figure) from being angry with them.
False apologies, maybe tools of manipulation. An example of this is when a seemingly contrite person says they’re sorry for being unfaithful to their partner. Their concern isn’t for the relationship. It’s about how a possible breakup will impact them financially.
Another type of false apology is when the apologist is sarcastic or shifts the blame. “I’m so sorry I raised my voice, but your behavior made me angry,” is a typical example. False apologies can also be a dramatic attempt to make things seem different from what they really are.
Habitual apologies are the ones you make when you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re saying sorry because you don’t want to anger someone else, you’re not used to asserting your boundaries, or you’re not sure how the other person will receive your position/opinion. The word sorry is then used as a soft entry.
Be conscious of these faux pas in your conversations and make an attempt to replace these and stop apologizing unnecessarily.
Mary Thomas
