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Monica Bassili

Pickmeisha: Self-Reflection and Self-Advocacy

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Pickmeisha: Self-Reflection and Self-Advocacy 

                                                                Monica Bassili

 

 

When I was ten years old, my mother drove me to the beauty salon to fix my problem. At school, I was not taken aback by my comments. Not surprisingly, none of the boys commented about my facial hair. Instead, it was a girl in a lower grade than me who came up to me and claimed I was not a woman. Her rationalization was that because I had dark hair on my upper lip, I failed to satisfy the requirements of womanhood. 

 

With this in mind, I came home one day from elementary school to share my knowledge of body hair with my mother. To my surprise, she had the solution for my problem. Although the drive to the beauty salon was regular, irrespective of age or gender, I felt like my mother was taking me somewhere special. 

 

She took me to an affordable beauty salon in a neighbouring city, where I sat in a chair, waiting. One second I was a ten-year-old, the next, I was a sobbing, hysterical mess. Once the woman ripped the hot wax off my lip, I lost all control and burst into tears. I watched as the women spoke to eachother in their native language; meanwhile, my mother joked with them, and they laughed it off. 

 

In short, I was horrified. I was disgusted that my mother found happiness in bringing her daughter here and horrified that I had to come back. But, to no surprise to any woman, waxing and threading are not permanent. So every few weeks, I returned to this salon to remove my upper lip hair and shape my eyebrows. Every visit, the tears subside, and each glob of hot wax symbolizes “self-improvement.”

 

Female Grooming 

Although this experience seems extreme, racialized women often put in additional effort, money, and time to cater to the male gaze. In an ideal sense, If I were white and had thin, lighter hair, I most likely would not have come home from elementary school with an identity crisis. However, because of natural, biological processes, I needed to accommodate my failure to conform because of normalized beauty standards. 

Female grooming is taught and introduced to women at an incredibly young age. From plastic make-up sets and manipulating natural hair – girls are increasingly taught that changes in female appearance are attractive and normal

 

As a result, we need to understand what boys do to know how it affects girls.

 

Male Pleasure 

While girls articulate their expression by emulating white beauty standards, boys enjoy greater freedoms and opportunities. For example, while getting my facial hair waxed and going on shopping trips where my mom only purchased “girly” clothing, my brother played with his friends, played video games, and wore whatever he saw fit. In this way, boys are conditioned to explore, pursue opportunities, and create social bonds with other boys. 

Consequently, boys are reaping the rewards of female grooming. Men enjoy seeing women well shaved, waxed, sporting trendy clothing, and preparing their faces with the most aesthetically pleasing shades and contours. 

Take a moment to think, why do you wax your face? Why did you choose that outfit? Why did you straighten your hair? To what extent is empowerment hinged on being valued by a man? 

 

Self-Reflection

Due to the circumstances established by patriarchy, women are told that changing their appearance is empowering

Throughout contemporary social and mass media, the usage of “empowerment” has justified some pseudo-feminist concepts. In this way, industries and corporations can sell products and services to women – banking on their insecurities and desires for male attention. This, in other words, refers to the pickmeisha phenomenon. 

 

Pickmeisha – Want Me!

Pickmeisha emerged through the underlying narrative that women are actively consumed with finding a man. In this sense, women are conditioned to cater their actions, mannerisms, and appearances to men. 

Women feel the need to change themselves for men, allowing competition to manifest – creating situations where women criticize other women. In the quest to achieve male attention, women increasingly put other women down to advance within the patriarchy. In this sense, women express “pick me” behaviours while ignoring their personal needs and desires. 

 

“I’m Not Like Other Women”

To please men, women increasingly ignore abusive, manipulative, and violent male behaviours to appear calm and collected. A woman who does not make demands expresses no personal needs and wholeheartedly believes she is different from other women because she is easy-going. 

As a result, women prioritize men’s needs to appear better than other women, with boundaries, conditions, and desires. Paradoxically, women who overlook male incompetence, manipulation, and abuse find themselves in relationships where they act as mothers, maids, and masturbation tools. After months of years go by, it is increasingly challenging for women to leave their boyfriends or husbands because they have denied themselves authentic empowerment

 

Healthy Boundaries and Mutual Respect

From the start, women’s boundaries are degraded and manipulated to increase the power of men. When you find yourself ignoring a man’s actions because, after all, boys will be boys, you are rationalizing a man’s actions. If a man degrades you in bed, it’s okay because, after all, that’s what he’s into. In place of healthy boundaries and self-respect, women are gaslighted to believe their emotions, concerns, and needs are worthless. 

Gaslighting manipulates reality, thus creating false and misleading narratives to prolong harmful actions. With this in mind, women and girls are conditioned to ignore their emotions and needs outright, reinforcing the stereotype that women are emotionally unstable and, therefore, irrational and unreasonable. 

A man who treats you poorly at the start of a relationship will not magically improve over time. The way women engage with men must reflect a reciprocal relationship. By idealizing men’s place in your social circles and relationships, their flaws miraculously turn inward, and women are saddled with men’s emotional and physical incompetence

 

To obtain a man, in any respect, has been the goal of women since birth. Shifting the narrative enables women to express themselves and enforce their boundaries. Building women up thus materialize self-respect and self-advocacy. Women have do not benefit from suppressing their needs to accommodate a man. After months, years, and decades of accommodating a man, women find themselves devoid of their true self, their identity.

Only you can speak for yourself. Even if your family and friends act in your interest, you are the only one who will advocate for you consistently. When coming across situations or narratives of compliance and beauty, masked as empowerment, allowing yourself to be put first profoundly reinforces your needs and desires. Thus, empowering yourself does not hinge on your ability to afford the latest Artizia outfits or beauty products from Sephora. 

Collective benefits emerge for women when they are aware of themselves and advocate accordingly. It is not selfish on your part. Thrive and uplift your community without apology. Watch as the narrative shifts.

Monica Bassili is a fourth-year University of Alberta student double majoring in Political Science and Human Geography and Planning. Monica has been active within her community since grade school and has dedicated her work to benefiting the public good. Furthermore, Monica is working towards three certificates: international learning, sustainability, and Indigenous governance and perspectives. In this way, Monica is able to understand systemic issues in depth and develop intercultural communication skills that serve to facilitate projects in and around Edmonton. Monica’s focus is on public service and specifically, developing tools that serve underrepresented communities and individuals in need.

 

 

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