I met Jyening Rose last night virtually. She attended our Panels with Mary Thomas.

I found out that she has a podcast: Or so she thought, and I started to listen today. The first episode I listened to is my title.  Most of us have a story similar to that of Ms. Rose. I enjoyed listening to her talk about her divorce. She took us to the very beginning of the relationship, it was nice hearing her talk about her wedding and then the infidelity and all that happened next. It was more than an intimate conversation; it was a conversation that took me back to the years of my pain and what the other side looks like.

In 2020, there were over 42,9333 divorces granted throughout the nation. This does not count as common law separation. The average age of divorce is 46 years old. 40 % of marriages end in divorce. The average Canadian divorce costs $18,000, and the average Canadian divorce takes three years. Infidelity accounts for 27% of divorces. 

What I love most about the podcast is the brutal honesty and maturity it takes to self-reflect and talk about such a very difficult and prolonged season.  I found listening to her helpful and validating as she said, ‘acknowledge your feelings.’ Doing the work, it takes to heal takes time and pain. It was time well spent listening.

I remember it took me ten years to talk civilly to my daughter’s father as events around my daughter’s birth annoyed me. We were never married. My situation was messy. I got pregnant. I was single. The baby daddy was not willing to take responsibility. This single fact damaged me profoundly.

I was bitter. I didn’t have to parent alone without support. It was not easy. But here I am on the other side of it. My daughter is 13 years old now, and parenting is easier. She is my best friend. I am not angry anymore. Or bitter. I can write about it.

I can talk about it.

I need therapy. This year… at some point.

When I listen to Ms. Rose, I feel validated about my feelings of anger, hate etc. But one thing else she said touched a nerve: perhaps my situation would have been better if there had been someone who spoke into my life in a positive way. The pastor of the church I attended then viewed the situation through the lens of judgment it felt. They didn’t mean any harm, but their words and gestures were not kind. Or they were skewed to favour him!

Time went by slowly. Day by day, doing whatever I needed to do. I was the parent who stayed. I showed up. I attended school events. I made sure my daughter did not lack anything. I do the best I can do every day.

The unresolved anger stemmed from how I thought I had been wronged. Put bluntly, I am happy I never married him. That would have been a life sentence! I am grateful to be single. I do feel fulfilled and happy, if I am honest.

I finally forgave him in 2019 – when my daughter turned ten. It dawned on me that I had been angry for all of my daughter’s life, and it did not make sense to me.

He is married with two kids – and I am still single with a kid. I love my daughter to bits, and I would not have done it any other way.

My story is complicated, but the bigger story is overcoming—our ability to overcome deep trauma and pain—the ability to look back and own my story. I am here now. In one piece.

If there was one thing the podcast taught me, I need to keep working on myself. I need to keep learning and growing.

Yes, I do need therapy.

Have a listen to the podcast that got me talking: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/divorce-is-so-much-more-than-signing-papers/id1631575484?i=1000581372154

 

 

 

 

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